The Get Your Shit Together Rose: Me. Though I've been faithfully watching Bachelorette Emily foist her new boobs and annoying daughter on a slew of douches this season, I haven't been posting.
|You might remember her as Bachelor Brad's "fiance"--see how well that took.|
In lieu of excuses, I will instead pledge to see you through the rest of this freak show and get North Carolina Barbie engaged.
The Fully Dressed Guys Finish Last Rose: Travis. We join this season of The Bachelorette with eight dudes still standing, and the whole gang (minus cognitively challenged daughter Ricki) headed to Croatia to view sites from the Croatian War of Independence and engage in agrotourism. Kidding. They're going to booze it up and humiliate themselves and their country. First up is a one-on-one date with Travis, who hails from Madison, Mississippi. Since he graduated from Mississippi State, he obviously thought he would have no trouble wooing a boring blonde. How wrong he was. Trav annoyed Emily by not taking off his shirt and suggesting they eat dinner instead of talk about his failed engagement, so he got sent back to the Delta.
|Hey, maybe he just really liked that shirt.|
|John, who always includes the nickname "Wolf" during his interviews, though no one ever calls him that, and who claims the obviously made-up job of Data Destruction Specialist.|
|Single Dad Doug.|
|Sean the Blonde Barbarian, so termed because of his freakishly enormous arms.|
|Jef, who is twelve and possibly gay.|
|Chris, who I think snuck on the show last week, as I have no prior memory of him.
|And Arie, who I sort of like and is therefore doomed.|
As well as the producers of The Bachelorette. In what's become a Bachelor/ette tradition, a large chunk of last night's episode was devoted to product placement. But rather than a car or camera, the show was shilling what promises to be a highlight of this summer's cinematic offerings, Pixar's The Brave. And look, I don't hold it against Pixar to try and sell their movie. I still love David Grey even though he whored out "This Year's Love" to Bachelor Ben last season. What's so revolting about the inclusion of this film in the episode is the radical misreading of the movie's central feminist argument, obvious even from the preview.
After viewing a film that ironically satirizes the concept of a woman's "hand" being an appropriate or even achievable prize for any man, the gang heads to the "highlands" of Croatia to have the men, um, compete for Emily's hand. Sit with that for a second.
|Yeah. This happened.|
Chris, who fails miserably and hilariously at every challenge, is given the Pity Cup for Bravery, and the rose so Emily can tell herself that she cares about something other than Shawn's biceps or Arie's soulful eyes.
The Such a Tool He's Semi-Cool Rose: Ryan. This dude, who has a neck the size of Jef's leg, is the sort of hapless and helpless douche that you can't work up the energy to dislike. He's so clueless about how ridiculous everyone thinks he is that he becomes pretty entertaining to watch. However, Emily wasn't a fan of his twelve-point plan on how to be his perfect wife, which he shared with her over dinner. So home he lumbered, pontificating in the limo about how much he was going to miss the good friends he made on the show, a monologue intercut with shots of the other guys high-fiving each other to celebrate his departure. This was the funniest moment of the season so far.
|On my twelve-point plan for the perfect husband? Not wearing bizarre halter-top/wife-beater hybrids and a lack of ridiculous facial hair.|
The Cry Me a River Rose: John "Wolf," DDS and SD Doug. Emily deflates any semblance of suspense surrounding the Rose Ceremony by giving a rose to Arie when he snuck out to visit her the night before, and then straight-up telling us that she was either going to axe Wolf or Doug. The twist comes when both put on weeping displays (Wolf over his dead grandparents, and Doug over, well, I'm not sure--he's just sensitive). She decides she can't bear to part with either of them, and so is taking all six of these goofballs to Prague.